5:41 p.m. ||July 07, 2004 I am disgusted with myself. I went to the mall today and tried on clothes- bad decision. I looked like a fat cow in everything. I can't stand how I look right now. I want to cut off chunks of my body. I don't even know what size I am. I sure as hell can't fit into a juniors size 7 anymore but I can sometimes where a misses 4- go figure. I am not happy, my ass is too big, I think J. LO has a smaller ass than me, in fact I would be quite happy to have her ass. I need to stop drinking, it makes me gain weight. I feel like I can't stop. I drink every single night. I am a fucking alcoholic- well I don't know if I am and I'm afraid to find out. I drink to feel some kind of mundane pleasure in my life or I drink and I remember happy things in the past. I think of stupid memories of me and my ex boyfriend. I am also becoming so lazy. I haven't exercised since my dog died and I know I should do that. The one thing that helps me through the day is knowing I will soon be able to write in this journal. That is so sad, but I know someone out there must feel the same way I do. Right now my attitude is "I don't give a shit about anything." I am pitying myself right now in the same respect. I am pissed off that I'm not married/living with someone and in a good job. I thought by the time I hit my age I would have it all figured out. I'm more confused than anything. I just want to leave it all behind and start over but at this age I'm too old to make poor decisions because they'll affect my future. I want to walk out of my job but then I can't pay my rent. There is no way I am going to live back at home again. This is why alcohol has become my new addiction. |