3:48 p.m. ||July 28, 2004 Not to seem pathetic and depressed but I am- nothing good is happening to me. I am trying to think positive but it is so frigging hard. I read a book the other night called How to Heal Yourself-it was one of those self help books. This gist of it was to practice self love by saying positive things about yourself and your life. So all day in my head I'm like I love you, you're a good person even though I'm not fond of myself right now. The book also says to leave the past behind, which is the hardest thing for me to do. I tend to live in the past and just go day to day. However it is pointless to live in the past because I am missing the present and not thinking about the future. I mean no matter how many times I think of how much I loved my ex and thought he loved me he is NOT coming back to me. I do realize that and it doesn't make my outlook sunny. I went 3 days without beer. Now that I am back at my apartment I am drinking a beer. I swipped also swipped 2 wine coolers from my mother's before I left. Drinking is an escape for me right now- I don't want to face up to my life. I'm supposed to go back to my job on Monday- or so they think. I'm going to tell the doctor I don't think I can do it. I know I can't. I should have left along time ago. They are going to be so pissed at me and they might fire me. If they do they'll have a big lawsuit on there hands because I am not capable of working at this point. Last night I had the worst insomnia ever. I was awake until 4 am. I slept today until 1:30 pm. I hate not being able to sleep. I even took a simply sleep and couldn't sleep. |