7:15 p.m. ||July 12, 2004 Jan-Sept 2002 from the book based on my entries January 29, 2002 Went to Boston last night with Kristin and Sandy. I needed to get out of the house since breaking up with Martin. I haven�t done anything and it�s time to revamp my social life. I arrived at Kristin�s and Sandy was already there along with their friend Rachel, who seemed kind of tough and not my type. After they finally finished putting on the war paint and skin tight shirts, we went to his guy Steve�s house who was a friend of Sandy�s and would be going out with us. When we got to his house, one of his buddies was there and we managed to persuade him go out with us too. I didn�t mind at all because he was cute. Not that Steve was bad he just didn�t seem my type with his marine like built body and short hair. I tend to prefer long languid guys with hair I can stroke. Boston was cold as hell and of course it took an hour to find a parking, an hour to walk to the club and an hour to wait in line to get into the club. The place was called the Rack and it was fairly hip with three bars, multiple pool tables and a dance floor. But I felt a bit out of place among all the Barbie looking girls and GQ men. I feel that I have a natural girl next door kind of beauty rather than a blond, silicone, Pam Anderson type of look. The girls (Kristin, Sandy and Rachel) were keen on dancing and tried to drag me on the floor but I just wasn�t feeling it. I opted to sit down and relax with a drink, Steve decided to do the same, while the other guy got dragged on the floor. Steve and I started with the small talk which later led onto other subjects and after a while I really enjoyed talking with him. Since I didn�t find myself hopelessly tongue tied around him and gaga turned on I felt comfortable being around him. In fact by the end of the night I definitely wanted to see him again. I knew he wasn�t in a relationship and had in fact just ended one, but I was hoping we could maybe date and see what happens. Of course I didn�t tell him this but after he invited me to a friend�s party for the next weekend I felt hopeful. February 6, 2002 I went with Kristin to Steve�s friend�s party. It was ok I suppose, free food and beer are always good right? I didn�t get much of a chance to talk to Steve other than a �hi how ya doin?� He seemed intent on drinking bews and hanging with his buds. Although he gave me a hug when I got there but he gave Kristin one too. He is obviously a �huggy� kind of guy. I told Kristin I was kind of interested in him and he seemed to feel the same but now seemed uninterested and what should I do. She told me not to worry, but worry is my middle name. After drinking a few beers I started not to care and when the pot came out, I smoked up. Steve didn�t want any part of it, and I probably made a bad impression but why should I care he isn�t my man. I ended up leaving early, feeling bummed out. February 11, 2002 I have the worst goddamn hangover. I drank way too much last night. I went to the Harp in Boston with Kristin, Sandy and Rachel. While getting ready for the club, the girls tried to get me to try on all this clubby Britney Spears type of clothing. They say I need to show some skin and act like the hot chick I am. They kept throwing halter tops at me. I opted for a tight shirt, after all I like wearing a bra since my bust is pretty much non existent. Kristin is lucky to be blessed with big boobs, I am not and would look like a 12-year-old boy in a halter top. The beginning of the night didn�t start out too hot. I was bummer because guys weren�t talking to me and were only chatting up Kristin and Sandy. Sandy is very outgoing and when Kristin is with Sandy she becomes quite an extrovert also. Rachel is just loud and not that attractive. By the end of the night I started chatting up a guy and even made out with him. It felt so good to kiss someone and feel wanted, of course the multiple beers and shots also made me feel warm and toasty. Today, looking back, I feel a bit sleazy for French kissing some guy I barely know and will never see again, but on the other hand I had fun and no harm was done. I am definitely not the type of girl who does one night stands but sometimes horniness and a beer buzz gets the better of you. March 22, 2002 It�s been awhile since I�ve written. Nothing exciting has happened. I just got back from Spring Break and I am starting to freak out as my graduation date comes closer. I have no idea what I�ll do after I graduate and don�t know if I�ll get a job in art. My major was a focus in jewelry design and ceramics but how do I make a living in that? I don�t want to be stuck in a Supermarket the rest of my life. I have been at that job for too long. I figured that by the time I was 24 I would have it all worked out. I would have long since graduated and I would have a savvy career and be married or else living with someone. I haven�t even managed to move out of my house yet. I feel like the whole Plymouth State thing ruined my chances. I should have stayed there as and English major and maybe things would have worked out. I wish I could go back and change things or else do them over. I never would have tried to kill myself. I would have stayed in school and stopped partying. Now I feel it is too late. March 27, 2002 It hurts to be alone. I feel like I have no friends. Missy is my best friend but I barely even see her. Kristin is a close friend but we haven�t known each other as long and Sandy is her best friend from highschool. I miss Lisa and don�t understand why we haven�t talked in about a year. April 7, 2002 Went to a club called Boomers last night with the girls and Rachel actually had a new boyfriend and his friend join us. Her boyfriend is actually cute too. I thought his friend was all-right but he only had eyes for Kristin. The night ended up to be a complete waste of time. It cost $15 to get in and then the beers were $5 a piece. I did dance with one guy. He was a burly construction worker. I even kissed him. It was disgusting he practically flossed my mouth with his tongue. I�m getting sick of the club scene. I don�t think there�s potential to find a �nice� guy at a club. April 13, 2002 Kristin and I went to Plymouth last night. We ended up at Sean O�Tooles. We had a great time dancing and drinking. I was having so much fun and didn�t care that guys weren�t talking to us. Although I did spot a cutie and smiled at him as he walked by. To my surprise he stopped and started chatting with me. I found him funny and cute and even gave him my number. His name was Chris and he was a bit younger than I, only being 21. He told me he�d call me but I won�t hold my breath. April 14, 2002 This guy Chris actually called me. He wanted to get together, although I had plans to go to Jillians in Boston with the girls and Rachel and Sandy;s boyfriends. I invited him to join us and he did. We all drove to the mall and I met him and we drove in together. He seems cool and has his life together. He works for his father who owns his own business. He also was very complimentative of me and was quite a gentleman. We ended up hanging out at Jillian�s playing pool and then went to a club that had a live rock band. Chris was all huggy and kissy with me, which I didn�t mind, I loved the attention. I had a great time and we made plans for tomorrow. April 16, 2002 Chris and I had our second date yesterday. We went to a mini golf, driving range. It was a blast. He had me laughing so hard. He has a great sense of humor and I find him great to look at too. After that we went to his house and he made me dinner. Of course there was some making out involved too. His parents weren�t out so we had privacy. He kept talking about the future and all the stuff he�d like us to do. He even called me his girlfriend. I�ve never had a guy get some serious so soon. He even invited me to a family cookout. I dread going. I don�t feel comfortable meeting family so soon, not to mention I haven�t even been seeing this guy a week. April 19, 2002 Things are still going strong for me and Chris. I went to the family BBQ and survived it. I met grandparents, his brother and his mother. Last night I invited him to dinner to meet my parents. My mom really liked him. She said he seemed like a nice guy for me and he seemed mature. The only thing that bothers me about him is his toxic ex. He�s told me quite a bit about her. I guess she�s like a beauty queen but a bitch. He said she cheated on him and she spent all his money. I don�t like hearing about the past and I hope he�s over her. He says she�s been calling him and trying to get back together but he says he�d never go back with her. April 20, 2002 I was a very bad girl last night. I let my hormones get the better of me and I slept with Chris. I know it was very soon but I couldn�t help it. It had been about five months. I went over his house to watch a movie and believe me I didn�t plan on doing anything it just kind of happened. We were making out and he suddenly picked me up and brought me into his bedroom to seduce me. However I must say it was not the best sex I�ve ever had. In my opinion it was too fast and there wasn�t enough foreplay. Hopefully next time will be better. One Month Later May 24, 2002 That bastard Chris dumped me last night. I knew it was coming. We�ve barely seen each other in the last two weeks and he has been constantly talking about his ex. Not to mention we�re never even had sex since the first time, if you could call it that. He lied and told me he would be away for the weekend working. So I went out with Kristin to a club we frequent and a place I�ve been to with Chris a few times. Well he showed up there. I questioned what the hell he was doing there and why didn�t he call me and he gave me a bullshit excuse. I continue to confront him and he tells me that he doesn�t want to be my boyfriend and he only wants to be a friend. He even has the nerve to say that he wasn�t ready for a relationship and only wanted to be friends since the beginning. I storm off and tell him he should�ve told me that in the first place. In the bathroom I start crying. Kristin tries to comfort me and tell me to be happy and be glad that he did this now instead of later. I can�t help being upset, even though I know now that he�s a complete asshole. How low can you go when you dump your girlfriend in front of everyone at a club. May 29, 2002 Last night I went to a party at Steve�s house. He didn�t actually invite me. It was more Kristin and Sandy telling me to come. It was nice to see Steve and he gave me a hug. I didn�t talk to him much. I happily drank and danced with the girls. I drank too much because after awhile I felt sick. I wanted to go but Kristin wanted to stay so I went to lie down. Steve brought me upstairs to his room so I could lie down. He was very caring about the whole ordeal. I would still like to date him but Sandy tells me he�s not looking for a relationship and is more on the prowl for sex. I don�t tend to see him that way but she would know, she is his best girl friend. July 4, 2002 I recently had a job interview at the corporate office where I work. The interview went great and they seemed very interested in me. Two weeks late I learned I didn�t get it. So I am still working in the Supermarket like a 16-year-old kid. I am happy that at least I am in a good department (bakery) and that I don�t have to bag groceries or cashier, but I feel like I�ve accomplished nothing. I have a bachelor�s degree and I�m still working part-time. I usually only work 30 hours a week if I�m lucky and make barely $150 a week after taxes. I don�t know how I�ll ever be able to live on my own at that rate. I have started to look for jobs elsewhere. Although to pass the time at work, I�ve begun to develop a crush on the deli manager. His name is Jim. He�s older than I and very handsome. He looks a bit like Bill Pullman, although a younger version. He is the only reason that I look forward to going to work. I need something to entertain me in my dull life. I�ve told the girls in my department about my little crush and they say I should talk to him. What the hell am I supposed to say �hey hot stuff could you slice me up some ham and I�ll take a piece of you to go� So one of the girls who talk to him said she would put in a good word for me. God, I feel like I�m in junior high, by having a friend tell a guy I�m interested in him. July 11, 2002 I am so embarrassed my boss and another girl I work with both told Jim that I like him. He�s going to think I�m a big dork and that I�m too scared to talk to him. My boss even went as far as to give him my number. July 12, 2002 He actually called me. I was very surprised to. I was out with Kristin when he called which is good, so he doesn�t think I was sitting around the house waiting for his call. I didn�t call him back when I got in, I was just too nervous. I�ll try to catch up with him at work. July 14, 2002 Guess who came over to chat with me at work? We talked a bit and made plans to meet for a drink after work. I am so excited. I find him so attractive and friendly. He�s about 30 too so I imagine he�s looking for a relationship rather than just wants to have fun like the other guys my age. July 17, 2002 I met Jim at Cornerstones for a drink last night. He�s cool but a little off beat. Some of the things he was saying I found a bit strange, like that he is superstitious of certain numbers and colors and that he had a slight gambling problem at one time. He did have other things in his favor, like he went to college and likes to write and has a lot of interests. He also seemed to imply that he was ready to settle down and sick of the bar scene. We were in the restaurant for a long time. I must have had about three beers and he probably gulped down five. At the end of the night, as he walked me to my car, he leaned in to kiss me. We must have stood there about five minutes passionately kissing. I don�t normally do that on the first date. I think it was the beer buzz again. He actually suggested going to his house and I politely told him there was no way I was going home with him. I don�t know we�ll see what happens with him. I know he likes me, I just hope he�s not another loser like most of the guys I�ve been dating lately. July 22, 2002 I just got home from seeing a movie with Jim. It was the cheesiest movie. I didn�t want to see it but he talked me into saying it would be a campy horror film and I like horror. I think it was just plain dumb. I love horror movies but movies with giant man eating spiders are a bit far fetched for me. But whatever I enjoyed being with him. I�ve learned more about him and some of it seems a bit uneasy. He�s confided in me that he was bad with money at one point and had to file bankruptcy recently. I don�t feel comfortable with that but at least he�s up-front about it. He also told me he lives in a trailer park, although he called it a pre-fabricated home. He says it�s not like one of those crappy trailers�s you see in Missouri. I�ll have to see it before I make judgement. I�ll have the chance to do that next week as he has invited me over. July 23, 2002 Today was the best. I went boating with Kristin, Sandy and Steve. It was actually Steve�s dad�s boat but he let him take it out. We drove to a lake nearby. The lake was a bit small but big enough so that tons of boats had ample room to move around in it. Steve cruised around on the boat and we all had turns while he pulled us on an innertube. It became a game as whoever could stay on the tube the longest won. I survived nearly to end when the boat whipped around on a turn and I went flying off the tube into the water. It was awesome I felt like a little kid again. Steve�s dad later joined us and brought some waterskis to use. Steve was first on the skis while dad drove the boat around. I couldn�t help but notice how good Steve looked. He�s tan, muscular and I loved the way his swim trunks clung to his body. I even checked out his package. I tried not to notice or think about him especially since I am dating Jim but I do enjoy being around Steve. July 29, 2002 Finally got to check out Jim�s place. It wasn�t as bad as I thought. It was quite spacious with two bedrooms, two baths, a large kitchen and a living room. He even had it tastefully decorated. We ended up watching a movie there and drinking a couple buds. By the end of the movie we were snuggling, kissing and doing some heavy petting. He must have asked me about three times if I�d like to go into his room. I said no and that I am not going to sleep with him yet, we�ve only been on three dates. Besides sleeping with Chris too soon seemed to ruin the whole relationship, if you could call it that. I hope Jim isn�t just looking to get laid. He did say he�d call me and I do like him even if he seems wrong for me. I think I�m blinded by his looks because if he didn�t have that I would be long gone. I�m not usually this shallow I think I�ve just built up this fantasy about him and I don�t want to admit I was wrong. August 10, 2002 I can�t believe what an asshole Jim is. I did think he liked me and that he wasn�t a player type but I was wrong. Friday night we went to a Red Sox game and we had a great time. Saturday I was hoping to get together but he said he had a party to go, it was for an old friend at work or something like that. I was bummed that I wasn�t invited but shrugged it off. He said he didn�t really want to go and that it would probably be boring but he already confirmed that he would be there. Well apparently it wasn;�t that boring as he managed to hit on a forty year old woman. I found out about this from a co-worker, who is a friend of the woman. She told my co-worker that he practically pinned her up against the wall and asked her out and tried to kiss her several times. She thought he was coming on way too strong and asked if he was seeing anyone, he said he wasn�t. This just blew my mind. I do believe my co-worker. She would have no reason to make this up. She said she didn�t want to tell me but figured it would be better if it came from her than I found out another way and looked like a fool. The funny thing is that before I knew any of this I asked him about the party he told me it was very uneventful. What a lying bastard. I know he wasn�t my boyfriend but he could at least be up-front with me. August 17, 2002 I hadn�t talked to Jim for about five days, I decided not to confront him. He hadn�t even bothered to call me, but he decided to stop by and say hi to me after work yesterday. I was very cool to him. He apologized for not calling and asked me if we could make plans. I stupidly agreed figuring that I would confront him when we met and tell him what I knew. However, he called me the next day to cancel our plans. He had the nerve to say that he just didn�t have romantic feelings towards me and there was no spark there. Of course he said we could remain friends and maybe hang out sometime. I said not thanks and hung up the phone. Afterwards I cried and cried. I hate being rejected even when a jerk like him is doing the rejecting. I know now that he�s an asshole and only was looking to get laid. I�m so glad that I didn�t sleep with him. I have my self respect. August 20, 2002 I was feeling rebellious and got my second tattoo yesterday. I got a picture of a half moon and stars on the right side of my lower back. It hurt so much, not like my first tattoo I got on my ankle when I was eighteen. I don�t know why I did it, perhaps to show that I can do whatever the hell I like with my body but I�m not going to let anyone else (like Jim) do whatever they want with my body. Last night, after the tattoo ordeal, I met up with the girls, Steve and some other friend�s at Riptide�s. I talked to Steve a lot and told him about Jim. He couldn�t believe what an ass he was and said that he doesn�t deserve someone like me. That made me feel better. We also caught up on what�s new with us. He still isn�t seeing anyone. I told him I just want to find a nice, honest guy and that I should be attracted to him too. He agreed that it�s hard to find decent people out there and told me about some of the disastrous dates he�d been on. Later that night we all went to Sandy�s friend Adam�s house. His parents were away and they had a huge mansion overlooking the water. The house was absolutely gorgeous. We all sat outside on the wrap around porch drinking beers. Steve and I continued to talk and he ended up giving me a backrub. I think I was complaining about how much my back hurts from my job so he offered to give me one. I am starting to like him again. I suppose that is obvious but I feel a connection with him, similar to when we first met. I also have always felt comfortable around him. I told Kristin and she thinks I should go for it. I think I will just be myself and see what happens. I�m not in a rush and I�m still not completely over Jim, which I know is pathetic. August 25, 2002 I was completely out of control last night. Kristin and I went to see Aerosmith. Before the concert we drank a few beers in the parking lot and walked around to people watch. By the time we go inside we must have had downed about four beers each. Kristin was wearing a tube top so she had about ten guys come up and try to talk to her. They ignored me but that was ok, I�m not interested in guys who�re looking for big boobs. After awhile we settled in with a cool group of guys and girls and stayed with them through the concert. At one point I remember someone lighting up a joint and I was smoking it. By this time I was quite drunk. I couldn�t even tell you how much I drank. I also started talking with one of the guys in the group. We seemed to hit it off and of course with my beer buzz I kissed him. I remember having to use the bathroom and Kristin wouldn�t come with me because she didn�t want to miss any of the concert so this random guy came with me. I barely made it to the toilet or shall I say port of potty of death. Once inside there wasn�t even toilet paper and there was piss all over the seat. It was so disgusting and I fell on the toilet. I�ll have to scrub my ass for the next century because of that. After the bathroom incident I tried to find Kristin. The guy was still with me and we searched everywhere but couldn�t find her. Eventually the concert ended and they booted us out. Then I knew I would at least probably find Kristin by my car, but at this point I couldn�t even find my car or remember where I parked. It took about an hour before I found both. She screamed bloody murder at me too. She was so worried because I took off with this guy and she hadn�t seen me. Of course this wouldn�t have happened if she�d gone with me to pee but I didn�t point that out. I somehow managed to get back to Kristin�s and we even dropped my random hook up guy off. I never did get his number but that�s ok because Kristin said I had huge beer goggles on and the guy wasn�t hot. Despite the fact, I had a good time and it will always be memorable even if I was quite inebriated. September 9, 2002 This weekend was excellent. Saturday was Kristin�s birthday and we all went out to a few clubs in Boston. It was me, Kristin, Steve, Rachel, her boyfriend, Adam and some of Kristin�s work friends. I was so glad that Steve was going out with us. Lately he�s been very friendly to me in a �I�m interested in you� way. Kristin even took a picture of me and him and he put his arm around me and leaned in close to me. Steve and I kept close together almost the whole night. At one point we were all dancing on the floor and I was dancing with him and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. By the end of the night Kristin was so drunk Steve and I had to carry her upstairs. When I went to say goodbye to Steve he told me he was planning on riding his motorcycle Sunday and asked me if I�d like to go. I said I would love to and he asked for my number and gave me another hug. He called me the next day. I met him at my work and then we spent the rest of the day on the bike. I was a little nervous at first because I�ve never really been on a motorcycle before but I loved it. I just felt so free, with the wind in my face flying down the road. Throughout that time he would hold my hand or smile back at me. When he finally brought me back he gave me a quick kiss on the mouth. I was impressed that he didn�t slobber all over me like other guys and that he was a gentleman. He said he�d give me a call and I believe he will. � I told Kristin about our outing and she is psyched. She thinks we would look so cute together and that it�s about time we should be dating. I hope to see him soon. How we got together |