7:50 p.m. ||July 18, 2004 very frustrated and pissed off right now. I am mad at the world, mad that I don't have more goddanm hits on my diary. I mean I'm not a thirteen year old who's biggest problem is who to sit next to at lunch- ughhhh.... I wish I were sixteen again, things would be so much more easier- yeah I hated it then too but if I could go back ten years or even five and do things over knowing what I know now- it would be a lot different. I am so afraid that every decision I make now is affecting my psyche further down the road- it seems like it has up til now. Am I destined to keep messing up? I am out of work for two weeks while I "fix my life". I am too old for this. I really thought I could handle it but it was beginning to drive me insane. There is only so much I can keep holding in until one day it will burst and I didn't want that to happen, which leads me to where I am now- standing at the crossroads again in limbo. |