9:15 p.m. ||August 25, 2004 Nothing new to tell. Felt really shitty the first part of the week and I am now starting to feel a bit better. Today I started crying, I need to cry about my ex but I never can. I can only cry when thinking about my dog that we put down 2 months ago. For the longest time (before my dog died) I couldn't cry at all. It's not that I didn't want to, the tears just wouldn't come. I stuff so much down that I don't know how to let it out sometimes. But I realize things have changed and they will never go back. Get over the past goddamn it. Well I think I might be succeeding. Even though I haven't gone on any dates lately with these internet guys, it helps talking to them. Not that there's any deep discussions or anything but I find myself writing my interests and what I like to do, which I have been neglecting for over the past two months. I mean how interesting is smoking and drinking. Yeah, it's lame. I ordered 3 books on Amazon about drinking and how to cut down/stop. Last night was the first night I didn't even finish a beer. I know that my drinking is just me trying to escape how I really feel and not dealing with issues. I don't even have that many issues. I mean, yeah I'm single, so aren't lots of people, yeah I'm lacking sex, so aren't other people and that's what sex toys are for. I'll get it right one of these days (a relationship not the sex toys). Maybe I'm not even ready for a boyfriend. To be truthful I would just like to meet a nice guy friend who isn't just trying to get laid and we could just go out, have fun and see where it leads. My ex boyfriend from 4 years ago emailed me today his latest update on his website. This update was another party his friends had- called disco night. So I go online to look at it and here are people I used to work with wearing spandex, roller skates and open shirts, trying to be all 70s. It might be considered funny if this were back when we were 21 but really it's getting old. My ex is 34 years old, still lives with mom and still works part time at the same job he's had since he was 18. Not to mention he has a good degree and is intelligent, but obviously dense where common sense is concerned. We were together for 3 years. He wanted to marry me. I realized he would never change and left him. Four years later he still occassionaly emails me and MY mom. If I were a complete bitch I'd tell him to get a life. Now I just don't respond. How is it that someone who is 8 years older than me can be so immature? I laugh quietly to myself now because he used to try to manipulate my every move and act like I would never be able to support myself. Well the joke's on you buddy. |