5:01 p.m. ||January 16, 2005
A note on depression...
I'm a bitterly depressed individual. One would think my head shrink (the psychiatrist) who prescribes my med's might know this by now. No, he always says it's situational and not depression whenever I inquire about changing my meds. I've been on the same fucking medication for 8 years. One would think it might work by now. Before the current pill of choice- effexor, there were several others. Lithium, prozac, well butrin and even ritalin. It's all the same to me, but apparently this one is the best one for me, according to the doctor. And maybe it is because if I even miss it for 2 days I have violent head aches. The drug is so ingrained in my system I have withdrawals. I've heard this one is the hardest to get off. So nothings really changed in 8 years or even since I was thirteen. I may have grown up but I still do the same things. I chain-smoke when I'm really upset, listen to Led Zeppeling, think about the future and read the journals of my past. I'm the same girl just the people in my life are different. I try to figure out myself and the past but I analyze things so much I drive myself nuts. I should not be so down. I've come a long way. I graduated college, got a job, an apartment and am able to support myself but it doesn't give me any sense of fulillment. I'm always trying to fill the empty hole in me with something. What will make me happy? A new job, a nice guy- no just myself. If only I didn't criticize myself so much and I liked what I saw. But I don't and I don't know how to get to that stage of accepting this is who I am.
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