12:36 p.m. ||March 26, 2005
He Loves Me Not
I've been dreading writing (typing) this down because it makes the hurt seem all more real. I don't know what to think and what to do. I've spent the last week eating and drinking way too much. I am so numb but hurt I don't know who I am half the time. I made a big mistake- or maybe it wasn't, like I said I just don't know anymore. Darren and I went to the wedding last weekend and had a good time. We came back to my house and just had the most incredible love making session that I felt I had to tell him how I feel. I started by asking him how he felt about me. It was not what I wanted to here. He told me he's still trying to figure that out and he's not sure. He loves being with me and loves me as a person but doesn't know if he's in love with me. I told him I thought I was in love with him. He told me he's only really been in love once and it didn't feel like this. Yeah the girl who he loved, I met at the wedding. She is fat and wears glasses. I'm pretty and not fat so that further made me feel like shit. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore and told him to go to bed. I finally went to bed next to him and I couldn't sleep. Apparently he couldn't either because everytime I opened my eyes, he was staring at me. The next morning he told me he was sorry that things didn't happen the way I wanted them to. He said he wants me in his life right now but he doesn't know what he's doing. I told him I don't either but said it's worth the chance. I told him maybe he was scared and he said maybe he was too, but he didn't know if he wanted the responsibility. I started to cry, it was quite awful. He told me not to cry, hugged me and I got a quick kiss and then he left. I haven't talked to him since. I can't call him, I don't chase men. I just keep going over everything in my head and I really believed he was falling in love with me. I could see it in the way he looked at me, the little things he would do for me, the way he acted towards me even around his friends, the fact that he would make me dinner or make me breakfast and found it funny that I hated to cook, and because being with him is the most fun I have with anyone. I guess now that it's over and I can't keep going through this again, which is why I am being so fucking unhealthy and drowning myself in alcohol.
rewind || fast foward
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