4:05 p.m. ||April 12, 2005
How To Deal
I can make absolutley no sense out of my life right now. I swore things were over with D and that I would just tell him I had to move on and that would be it. He finally emailed me last week. He told me he loved me but he wasn't ready for a commitment. However he still wanted to see me but he didn't want me to get hurt- say if we're together for so long and he's still not ready. I emailed him back and told him I do want a commitment but I don't want to lose him in my life. I really wanted to see him but I didn't tell him that. He had orginally said he would see me Friday but I figured because of the circumstances he would changed his mind. Well he left me a voicemail Thursday asking if I still wanted him to see him Friday. I told him I did. I can't explain it, I just needed one more night with him. We started to talk about things but it was uncomfortable. I finally told him to just enjoy our time together and not analyze everything. When I look at him and he holds me I can't help not wanting him. I've never felt the kind of passion I feel with him with anyone else. He's like a drug I can't get enough of. So of course we slept together (3 times too) and he stayed over. Everytime I am with him I am happy and he seems overly happy, it's just when we're apart that things really suck. I think I love him but then again I keep having these flashbacks of Steve. I am thinking about everything Steve and I ever did- really corny stuff too and I just see that he was the one. I know I fucked it up and I want to get it back. He could be engaged for all I know. Meanwhile to deal with all these overwhelming emotions I have been drinking my ass off. 3-4 beers a night is my usual and I am now adding some weed to the mix. I just don't know how to deal with this shit bag my life has become.
rewind || fast foward
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