6:29 p.m. ||June 15, 2005
A Drinking Life
I have been drinking steadily almost every night over the last 2 years. At first it started out as only a beer or maybe two at the end of the night. Now I drink almost three to four beers daily and more on the weekend. I have read several memoirs about drinking including Dry, The Liquid Lover, Drinking- A Love Story and Smashed. I have never experienced half the things that those people endured. I have never lost a job, ruined a relationship or got in a car accident (knock on wood). I have also never passed out, really gotten sick (only threw up once), never had an eye-opener in the morning, rarelly have hangovers and I don't usually drink until after 5pm. I know my limits and I don't surpass them. However this has somehow developed into an everyday ritual. I have told myself I will not buy beer tonight, only to go out later and buy it. I feel panicky if I don't have any alcohol waiting for me at home. It's like I need it to numb everything in my world. I am so anxious, scared and fed up with my life. I know the drinking is not healthy and it may even be making me more depressed but everything seems so hopeless anyway. I can't stop thinking about things that went wrong in the past and how I can't change anything now. I keep trying to relive events by picturing them in my head. I beat myself up over the same shit again and again and it becomes a vicious circle. This is part of the reason why I can't get close to anyone. I feel they will reject me and see right through me. I don't even want to waste the effort because nothing ever works out.
rewind || fast foward
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