4:07 p.m. ||July 08, 2005
Cravings
I'm feeling very strong cravings right now. After all it is Friday and I always drink right after I get out of work on Friday. I usually go to the liquor store to buy more stuff if I am running out. On Saturday if I have drank everything I will go to the alternate liquor store. I rotate between about 4 of them. Two that are on my street, one near my mom's house that I only go to if I am in the area and one right near where I see my therapist. Yes, it's crazy I know. I have all these thoughts buzzing around in my head right now. I am mostly thinking that it's not fair. I know I am not as bad as some people who drink but in ways I am worse than others who drink socially. I feel that I should have the right to have a drink when I want one- but that is just one thing I say to rationalize my behavior. My father usually has a beer or two everynight. When I was younger I was concerned about him and afraid he might be an alcoholic. However he has not changed his behavior- he doesn't drink either more or less than he used to. He is clearly not an alkie or he would be drinking more. Why is it that he can steadily have 2 beers a night for years and never want more than that? I always want more. I don't drink til I puke or pass out and I still have never had a blackout. I have practiced the art of drinking for a long time now. I know what to eat and when to eat while drinking, I know what types of alcohol I can mix together or what types to avoid completely. This is why I have barely had a hangover, got sick or passed out. Now I don't know what to do with all this free time I have. One of the many reasons I drank was to not face reality and make time go by faster.
rewind || fast foward
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