8:56 p.m. ||September 13, 2004 Ghosts of Boyfriends� Past I�ve dated quite a few guys and have had several boyfriends over the years. However as we all know quantity does not mean quality. Gary- Dated age 13, Duration 4 months We met through my best friend and next door neighbor Leah. Gary�s aunt lived up the street and he and his friend Dan would stop by Leah�s to hang out because Dan was interested in her. I remember first meeting Gary and thinking how cute and fun he was to be with. Leah and I were overly excited that these guys were interested in us. Of course it also helped that they were older, each by about three years, went to a different school, were a bit rebellious because they both smoked and drank and Dan had a car. Dan�s car was the most pathetic excuse for a vehicle I have ever seen. It was an old, ugly brown, beat up Mustang that had no interior door panels, a ceiling that was falling down and a floor that was barely attached to the car. At the time we loved the car and couldn�t envision anything cooler. Gary and I never did much. My mom wasn�t thrilled because he was so much older than I and later had a car. He�d come over every day, while my mom was at work of course. We�d take a walk down to the golf course, lay in the grass and make out, other times we�d hang out smoke and talk or go for an aimless ride in the car. Gary never pressured me for sex and I was so innocent and virginal at the time, making out was enough to make me feel sometimes like a slut and sometimes like a sex goddess. We stayed together for the summer of 1993 and broke up during the fall. I never loved him and still had a crush on another guy, who I wasted four years thinking about. Gary wanted too much closeness, and he even mentioned marriage. This was way too much for me at the age of thirteen. Also I knew eventually that sex would come into the equation and I didn�t want to sleep with him. He wasn�t a virgin and that bothered me. After we broke up, we kept in touch on and off and even dated again when I was 18. After the breakup he started up dating a girl I didn�t like from my school and later in 94 got in a horrible car accident. He was being stupid and racing Dan along a winding rode. Gary tried to sprint the car around him but couldn�t. He pulled the car back fast, misjudged a curve and slammed into a tree. The accident scared him for life. His face got completely pushed in, he lost all his teeth and had to have several pins put in his legs. Jeff Dated age 14, Duration 1 month I would never call Jeff a boyfriend. However, I would call him an ass. I was attracted to him because he seemed mysterious and rebellious and I like his looks. He�d drive me home from school, hang out with me at break and eat with me at lunch. My best friend hated him. He used to make sly comments to try and tease her. Anyway after driving me home a few times and making out in my bed, he tried to push for more. I didn�t like that by tried to not make a big deal out of the situation. I told him that I hardly knew him and I was not going to sleep with him. I continued to like him until I overhead him say to a friend he was planning to dump me and not ask me to the prom because I wouldn�t sleep with him. I include Jeff because he was the first asshole guy I even encountered who was just looking to get laid. Mark Dated age 16, Duration almost a year Mark was my first love and first sexual experience. I remember the day we both lost our virginity to each other. It was my mother�s birthday, what a present for her. He came over my house after school. Mom was at work as usual. We�d been together for about four months. We started talking and somehow started talking about sex. We must have talked for an hour, deciding if we wanted to take it to the next level. Finally we went up to my room. I put on The Doors and the inevitable happened. I lost my virginity listening to Light my Fire and Break on Through. Afterwards it felt so weird. The actual intercourse didn�t hurt by my emotions were overwhelming. I felt like an adult but still a kid. I remember looking around at all the adults in my life and thinking �oh my god, they have sex too.� It was a strange feeling. Mark and I became very close, he was like a best friend. I confided everything to him, maybe too much. He started to get a little scared and backed off for a while. We broke up and got back together. I invited him to my Junior Prom. That night marked the end of our relationship. I hated the Prom and never went to my Senior Prom after having such a shitty time. Mark and I weren�t getting along and kept arguing. I was picking fights with him because I started to have a crush on a co-worker and didn�t want to hurt Mark by breaking up with him. I was a jerk and eventually did break up with him for the co-worked who isn�t even worth writing about. For a long time Mark couldn�t stand me. He�d never speak to me even when I tried to reconcile and apologize. He moved on. However, in my Senior year his mother was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. I went to the funeral to pay my respects. He was so surprised yet happy to see me there that we buried the hatched and once again became friends. I thought we�d get back together someday, all though we never did. I was foolish to end the relationship but you live and learn. I often think that if we had met later in life we would have stayed together for quite a long time. Gary- same one as before Dated age 18, Duration 3 months Somehow we got back together during my senior year. I think we were both lonely and settled because we already knew one other and what to expect. Our reunion was definitely a mistake. The accident turned Gary bitter, which was quite understandable. He got booted out of his house and went to live with a friend. My mother hated that we were back together, she thought Gary was a loser and not good for me. Looking back, I see this as true. However I liked the attention he gave me and longed for a boyfriend. I think the only thing I ever enjoyed with Gary was the sex. Mark was fairly timid and there wasn�t a lot of variety there. Gary was more experienced and showed me new things. After I took of my lust blinders, I saw Gary for what he was. He didn�t work and didn�t have a car. Therefore, he used my car all the time, borrowed money from me and we never did anything. I broke up with him soon after he got arrested for stealing a cd from Bradlees and I had to bail him out of jail. It also didn�t hurt that I met someone else. Chris Dated age 18, Duration 4 months Chris was a crazy romance to begin with. I met him through Leah. He was the brother of one of her friends. It was lust at first sight. The first or second day I met him I slept with him. I am so horrified at my actions looking back. I had decided to go with Leah to her babysitting job to help her out. While the kids were asleep, Chris stopped by to say hi. The next thing I know, we�re in the living room making out and suddenly are clothes are off and we�re having sex. It was crazy but then again Chris was sex crazed, I just didn�t know it yet. Our whole relationship was based on sex and getting off on each other. We must have had sex at least three times every time we saw each other. Of course being young and stupid I thought this meant love. I think Chris even thought so too because he put a down payment on an engagement ring for me. My mother actually loved Chris. He was a bullshit artist and a good one. He told everyone what they wanted to hear. During the summer my mother and I had to go to my college orientation in New Hampshire, so my mother trusted Christ to look after our dogs and the house. Chris and I planned that he would come up to live in New Hampshire with me while I went to college and we would get an apartment together. That never happened. After a month after our trip my mother received an outrageous phone bill. There was $200 dollars� worth of charges to sex hotlines. My mother said Chris must be responsible. I confronted him and he cried and said he would never do that. I believed him, told my mother and then she assumed it was Leah. Well, when the next phone bill came in and Leah and I weren�t speaking and Chris was over the house regularly it became apparent. I was appalled and sickened. We were having sex all the time and that wasn�t enough that he still had to call these hotlines and on my phone. I drove to see him and confronted him again with the proof. He admitted it and started the waterworks again saying he would change and that he was sorry. I said no this is it we�re done. He went hysterical banging my car and saying he would kill himself if we broke up. He acted completely psychotic. I left him and never looked back. We also never got the money. Adam Dated age 18, Duration 2 months Adam was a bit of an enigma. I was so fascinated by him I met him in college in New Hampshire, he went to high school with my roommate. I must admit Adam had an effect on whom I am today. He was an artist and through him I found a passion and my calling. He was very deep, poetic and sexy. I think I felt like the most desirable girl when I was with him. I began to fall in love with him, at least I thought it was love. He had just ended a long relationship with his high school sweetheart and was a bit nervous about getting into another relationship. He was in love with her and she broke his heart. He had only ever been with her and said he could never sleep with a girl unless he loved her. I think his feelings for me overwhelmed him. We slept together once and he freaked out. He told me he needed space and didn�t think we should be together because we were too much alike. I was crushed. I fell for him hard. I remembered all the things that we did, like sitting on the hill watching him draw, hiking in Franconia notch and carving our initials on a tree and looking at the stars and sharing our thoughts. He became a hermit. He wouldn�t talk to anyone. He seldom left the dorm except to go to class and quit the fraternity he was pledging. I became more and more depressed and eventually left school. I can�t attribute my leaving all to Adam. I never gave school a chance. I would blow off classes because I was so tired from partying the night before. I missed my best friend, I was homesick and found my roommates to be fake as they cared about were doing drugs and drinking. I left my room and got a single. Instead of starting over I turned inward and wallowed in depression and desperation. It all came to a head Halloween night 1996 when I tried to end my suffering. Brian Dated age 19, Duration 4 months Brian and I met while I was in college up in NH. We actually met my first night there and became fast friends. He always had a bit of a crush on me, which I noticed but didn�t encourage. After I left school, he was there for me in every way. He was so sweet and would send me cards, poetry and mixed tapes to make me smile. We had a wonderful friendship and because of this I thought we�d have a wonderful relationship. Brian was perfect. He was the sweetest guy but I just wasn�t attracted to him and the thought of sleeping with him seemed abnormal. I loved him but wasn�t in love with him. I never felt sparks of fire in my heart or butterflies in my stomach. I eventually broke up with him and said we should be friends. He was crushed and wouldn�t talk to me for months. Eventually he forgave me and we still talk today. Tom Dated age 19, Duration 1 month Tom was never a boyfriend. He was more like some kind of twisted pot induced lust I created. Tom was a stoner and I found him sexy as hell. I didn�t want a sappy guy to write me love poetry like Brian did, I wanted a rebel. Tom turned out to be more of a dud. However during the time it was what it was. I made him out to be some forbidden fruit I wanted to taste. Once I took a bite the taste was sour. George Dated age 19, duration about 3 years all together My time with George could be a book. However I wouldn�t want to give him that much credit. We were together the longest and it came to the point where we would get either married or breakup. I chose to breakup. We were too different but at the time it seemed like a good match. George was eight years older than I and Asian. I don�t think it was the age difference but more of a combination of many things and a definite culture difference. When I was 19 George seemed so mature, when I was 22 I felt like I had more ambitions than he did. I know I loved him. Otherwise, I wouldn�t have stayed with him for so long. We did have good relationship at first. We spent so much time together and had fun either going out to clubs or watching a movie at home. George was very manipulative. He would do things for me and then through in my face how much he did for me when I didn�t even ask him. He would also put me down because I didn�t know as much about politics or science as him. Later we would fight all the time and being with him was like walking on egg shells. We purposely tried to piss each other off. We broke up a couple times but got back together. I always felt guilty for ending things and he would want me back. I felt like I was ruining his life because he�d cry when we weren�t together so I would try to make things work for us. It got to the point where the thought of having sex or even kissing him made me sick. To this day I still feel the same way. As I grew up, he seemed to grow more immature. For example we met at work in a grocery store. He worked there part time since he was 18. When he was 30, he was still doing the same job regardless to the fact that he had a college degree. He felt like a big fish in a small pond because all the kids at the store like him. He also had no intention of finding his own place. He still lived with his mom and would feel too guilty to leave her. It was discussed that if we got married I had to live with the mom. When I was 22, I decided to call it quits. I didn�t care if I would be alone, anything would be better than being with him. For along time people told me how great we were together and why I wouldn�t want to be with such a nice guy. They never knew how much of a chameleon George could be. Who would ever think such a nice guy would call his mother fucking stupid to her face or leave his girlfriend at ten o�clock at night in Boston while he runs away and has a tantrum. M Age 21, duration 6 months I must mention M was not a boyfriend but rather a girlfriend. She was in fact once my boss and 12 years older than I. I never thought I�d fall for a girl but I�m glad I did. After M and I ended the relationship; I questioned my sexuality for about a year. It was one of the hardest times of my life. During this time Missy and I renewed our friendship. I knew at once Missy was gay and I told her how I thought I might be. I think she always knew I wasn�t but through our friendship and my experience I�ve understood what it�s like to feel for someone who�s homosexual and how coming out could be such a traumatic experience. I would now consider myself straight but sometimes I don�t think it can be so black and white. I think whom you love depends on the person, regardless of their sex. However I don�t pursue women and I didn�t pursue M, what happened with us just came out of the blue. I had just turned 21 and I wanted to do something fun and a little crazy. I wanted to go on vacation somewhere- anywhere, I had never even been on a plane. George and I were together at the time and he was too scared to fly therefore would not go away with me. I talked about my ideas for a trip at work and M said she had some free time coming up. She told me how she�d been to Miami Beach a few times and that she thought I would love it there. We made the plans and booked the vacation for my spring break in March. I was a bit nervous because M and I weren�t really friends and she was my boss so I was hoping we�d get along well on the trip. However I liked her because she always very funny and she liked to go out and have fun. We had a wonderful time. Our hotel was a dive so we decided to stay out of our rooms as much as possible. Every day we went to the beach, had a small lunch, went back to the hotel, took a power nap, went to a late dinner and then checked out clubs until dawn. One night we hung out at the beach and just talked and drank tropical drinks. We opened up about each other. I confided a lot about George to her and how he smothered me and constantly questioned everything I did. She told me more about herself. I tried to ask her about relationships but she wouldn�t say much. She said she felt men were untrustworthy and she didn�t want to be in a relationship. I never assumed she might be a lesbian until much later and she never once hinted or came onto me. After we came back from vacation, it was back to normal. I felt like something was missing. I had so much fun with M that I missed being with her and working with her wasn�t the same. My feeling and emotions were so strange. I looked forward to seeing her and talking with her. I didn�t know if this meant I liked her as a friend or something more. I tried to ignore it and figured I felt this way because I hadn�t had a close friend for a while and my best friend and I weren�t really on speaking terms. Two months later I felt the same way and my feelings wouldn�t go away. I told George and he freaked out. He called me every name in the book and cried. I told him I couldn�t be with him any more because I felt this way about her. I tried to be honest but I never should have told him. He promised not to tell but he told some of his friends at work and I could always feel that looking at me with disgust. M and I started spending a lot of time together around the middle of May. We would also go out with her friend Mike who was gay. M eventually confided in me that she was interested in women at this point in her life. She said she even did an online post to talk to some women. I was disappointed but now at least I knew she was gay as I was starting to suspect. At the beginning of June she stepped down from her position and asked to be transferred to another store. I didn�t quite know what to think of her decision. Until that point I never acted on how I felt because we worked together and she was my boss. Nothing changed and we continued to spend time together. It got to the point that I decided I had to tell her how I felt. I sent her a goddamn email because I am such a coward. She responded by saying she felt the same way for me. After that we got together. It was very exciting and strange at first. However I couldn�t just be affectionate or act like I would with a boyfriend in public. I was so worried what people would think and I didn�t want them to look at me. I was so paranoid. Although if we were at a gay club or in Provincetown I felt fine. Later on I hated feeling so secretive, no one really knew what was going on and those who did were not supportive. I felt alienated. You wouldn�t think I�d be able to talk to M about my feelings but I couldn�t. I also sometimes felt that she viewed me as her trophy girlfriend. It eventually came to the point where I was unsure where we were heading. She mentioned me moving in. I wasn�t ready for that. If I couldn�t feel comfortable holding her hand in public that how could I get further into the relationship. I also started to feel guilt over George. He started coming around and being nice to me. I ended things with M because I just couldn�t face it. I felt no one understood how I felt and I didn�t want to hurt her in the end. I got back together with George because I thought it was the right thing to do. George and I stayed together for the next six months until I ended it for good. He also never let me forget about my �dyke times� and subjected me to horrible insults whenever he felt insecure about the whole thing. Chris- not the same one as before Dated age 21, Duration 5 months Another person I met at work- a recurring pattern that seemed to be happening. He was an assistant store manager and only a little bit older than I. When I first met him, I thought he was geeky and kind of a dork. Later I thought he had a crush on me, which I don�t think he had and then I just starting thinking about him and liking him. I didn�t have a problem getting him interested. I was just like a high school kid and I told a couple people I dug him and it got back to him. He was very shy but he finally worked up enough courage to talk to me one night. We made plans to go out and we started dating regularly. I liked him because he was more tame than what I was used to, he was ambitious and I felt like I was the one in control. We became an item and I was happy. However I found it weird that he never really had a girlfriend before. Yes, he was a little geeky but I found him very attentive and cute. Then the time came when you expect you�re going to start getting intimate and it just didn�t happen. I even discussed it with him and he said he just wasn�t ready. He was a virgin and wanted to wait awhile. I just couldn�t comprehend this but respected his wishes. Although found it incredible that he had no problem with us fooling around naked or having oral sex but he just didn�t want to have intercourse and we never did. He ended up dumping me. Everyone was shocked, they thought he�d been lucky to get me and then he dumped my ass. I know that sounds horrible but it�s true people told me this. I was crushed. I liked having a stable, normal boyfriend- so what if he could be a bit boring and we didn�t have sex. Now I see if we stayed together I would have gone stir crazy from the lack of excitement. Martin dated age 23, duration 3 months Martin was about the complete opposite of Chris. I should have known better with Martin but I�d always been curious about him. He was my crazy friend from high school�s brother. I know he was trouble. He got kicked out of my high school for smoking pot and skipping school. However my friend told me, he is really a good guy, he�s changed, he has a good job and his own apartment and really would like a nice girlfriend- you two will be great together. I put it off and put it off and finally said, why not, I don�t have anything else going on. We both went to the same college so we decided to meet up around the hangout spots by our school for our first date. It went ok, but I can�t remember much about it now. I think we had a few drinks and talked about music and our jobs. I know I drank about four beers, which is more than I usually do and he had about six. We ended the night with him saying he�d call me and a really good kiss. I think the kiss got me hooked. He was also cute in sort a Leonardo DiCaprio way. The second date was fine but the third date was horrendous. I met him in his town and we were going to meet up with his friend and go to a couple bars. Well Martin just drank and drank and drank and got drunk as a skunk. He could barely walk, barely speak and it became apparent I had to bring him home. I got him in my car and he wigged out on me saying he couldn�t go home and his brother would kill him because he�s drinking. So I say ok fine why don�t you sober up. He then passes out in my car. I have no idea what the hell to do. I don�t even remember which how to get back to his apartment. I park the car on a side street and try to shake him and wake him up. An hour later he wakes up. I somehow manage to get us to his apartment with his slurring directions. We arrive and he barely opens my car door before he starts puking. Then he collapses in the sidewalk. I pull him up and drag his ass up the stairs to his place. He then sobers up and begs me to stay with him. I am horrified and leave. He calls me the next day completely embarrassed. He says he is so sorry and doesn�t blame me if I never want to see him again. He is so apologetic, I say I�ll give him one more chance. God am I a dumb ass. The next two months all we do are drink, smoke cigarettes, smoke pot and have good sex. I know he�s not my true love and that I�ll never marry him but I hang around. That all changes when he calls me up drunk at 11pm at night. This is when I still lived at home. My mother flipped out. He begged me to pick him up at the bar 40 minutes away from me. It was snowing outside and a horrible night to drive. My mother told me not to get him and she would be bullshit if I did. He sounded so pathetic on the phone I drove over and got him then stayed over his apartment. I told him this is the first and last time I will ever pick you up and not to count on me again. He swore he wouldn�t do it again but it happened the next week. This time he called me at 1am. My mother and step father were enraged and bullshit at me because he was calling. I told him that I will not pick him up and told him it�s over, he then called three more times before he probably fell down drunk. My friend never talked to me after I broke up with her brother. I said that I hoped it wouldn�t ruin our friendship but that Martin is an alcoholic and I can be involved in that. Chris- another different Chris Dated age 24, Duration 2 months We met at a bar. He dumped me at a bar. This guy was the worst sex I ever had. He was also a liar and bullshit artist. After dating three Chris�, this being the third, I decided three strikes you�re out- no more Chris� ever. Jim Dated age 24, Duration 1 month Jim was never a boyfriend but the next guy who was another asshole looking to get laid. The first time I saw Jim, I said to myself �holy shit who is that?� He looks like a younger version of Bill Pullman who I think is hot. We met at work- thus ending the dating co-worker�s trend. I thought Jim was funny and friendly. We first went out for drinks. He seemed ok, maybe a little offbeat, but sometimes I like quirky. The kiss at the end of the night made up for all his quirkiness. The next date I went to his house a.k.a. a trailer. It was really a pre-fab home and looked nothing like a dingy trailer from MO but still it was a trailer- just not on wheels. He had a dog. A sweet dog named Daisy. She really liked me and kept jumping on me. He yelled, almost screamed for her to stop and go lie down. That bothered me. I love dogs and no one should talk to their dogs like that when they are just trying to be friendly, she was not even close to hurting me. We went out a few other times and seemed to get along fine. However he did try to get me in his bed after some make out sessions and I had to tell him twice, no I am not sleeping with you. I wanted to but the last two relationships I jumped into sex too soon. I found out through a friend and co-worker that he hit one of her friends at a party. I knew of this party and he told me it was uneventful. Apparently he wouldn�t leave her alone and kept trying to kiss her. He told her he wasn�t dating anyone either. This woman was also 40 years old. I was appalled. I didn�t tell him I knew but he didn�t call me for two weeks and avoided me at work. When I finally confronted him he lied to me. He was a coward and a bad liar. Steve Age 24, Duration almost a year. If I never had such shitty boyfriends (besides Mark, Brian and 2nd Chris) I never would have appreciated Steve. I never thought anything would happen with Steve. When we finally went on a date, I was still a bit hung up on Jim. The first time I met Steve I was with Martin. He thought Martin was an idiot. The second time I met him I was single. We ended up talking the whole night. I wasn�t initially interested in Steve because he wasn�t my usual type but I enjoyed his company and thought maybe it would be cool to go on a date. He invited me to a party, I went and nothing happened. In fact nothing happened with us until about six months later. I always had Steve in the back of my mind and as I found out later so did he. We saw each other quite a few times and always talked and laughed together, however it never seemed the right time for us. At the end of the summer in 2002 we started crossing paths more often. We began to flirt and seem to find ways to be around each other. We went out one night on our friends� birthday and we danced and talked the whole night. The next day we made plans to take a ride on his motorcycle. After that we became a couple. We got along so well and enjoyed each others company so much that I thought we were meant to be. I never thought we would end. I analyze what must have happened or what did I do wrong, it really doesn�t matter now. I could have continued what we had but I severed our ties. He broke up with me but we were still together. It killed me making love with him but we weren�t boyfriend and girlfriend. It seemed one moment he wanted a relationship and the next moment he didn�t. I told him I couldn�t do it anymore. I told him I couldn�t be his friend. He said call me when you can and I said no, call me if you�re ever ready. He never called. I found my car key in my car seat at work three months later. I often wonder why he didn�t just throw it out. Did he leave the key as a sort of fuck you? I tried to call him once, only once, he blocked my number, I found that laughable. I never stalk guys. Sometimes I hate him but I know I still love him. He betrayed me and said he wanted to focus on school and work and couldn�t have a girlfriend. He now how a girlfriend and I�m still alone. It�s been a year, I try to move on but probably won�t until I meet someone worthwhile. I gave up the fantasy that we would be back together. |