4:28 p.m. ||October 19, 2004
It can't rain all the time.
It is so bleak, rainy and raw today. I almost feel a type of saddness in the air and I stupidly just remembered my grandfater died on this date four years ago. I don't dwell in agony about it because he lived a good long life and it was best he died when he did. He had just been diagonsed with lung cancer. Yes, he smoked like a chimney. He managed to quit 5 years before he died but it was too late. You would think I would learn and quit myself but I haven't yet. I do miss him. He was a great guy. Sometimes I feel like time moves so slow. I get home from work and don't know what to do with myself. I feel so bored. Every book I try to read, I can't get interested in and I love to read. I feel so unmotivated and lazy. I haven't been back to the gym in over a week. I thought about going today but obviously didn't. I didn't see D this weekend. I wasn't too thrilled about that but tried to be understanding. I didn't go to the wedding because it would have been too much of a hassle. He said he would make things up to me this weekend and he mentioned us going out for dinner and dancing Friday night and said it would be formal. I just have this dumb feeling that he's going to cancel. I wish I would stop worrying so much. I don't know if it's because I don't have faith in men or faith in myself.
rewind || fast foward
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