5:46 p.m. ||May 19, 2005
Afraid of change
I'm pissed off, annoyed and aggratvated- mostly with myself and my life. I feel so alone and bored as usual. I'm sick of all the time I spend alone. Of course I could change that. I could take a class or join a club. I don't because I'm too scared. Yes, that sounds so dumb. However I am afraid of figuring out what to do and having change in my life. For example I have been bitching about my job forever. But I still haven't been job hunting. I'm afraid I won't find anything or if I do it won't be something I want to do or it will be worse than the job I have. So instead I do nothing. I also bitch because I have no life. But I'm not going out and trying to meet people either. I am so afraid of rejection that I just stay alone. I never even know what the hell to do with myself. I get home at work at 3:15 and then the boredom sets in. I have over 8 hours to kill before I go to bed and I have no idea how to occupy my time. I usually read for awhile, then I'll drink beer, take something to help me sleep and go to bed early. What a life I lead. When I'm at work I always have such good intentions of what I'll do when I get home. I tell myself I will start a painting or write a story. Of course I never do. It's like I'm so afraid of failing at something I start, so I never start it at all.
rewind || fast foward
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