1:47 p.m. ||November 15, 2005
Boy breaks girl's heart
Boy breaks girl's heart. I should be used to this, it seems to be the story of my life. This time it hurt like hell- even worse than that if you can imagine. It started out fine- I don't even know what went wrong. I got to his house, he was very sweet to me, we went out had dinner, watched some tv and then went to bed. You would think everything would be great once you make love- well wrong- that's when he seemed to drop the bomb on me. He was kind of breathing heavy. I thought he just had a great orgasm or something so I asked him what was up. He tells me he is thinking about me. I ask if it's good or bad because I don't like his tone. He then says he is worried about me with the jobs. He goes on to say he wants me to be happy and find something I like and that I don't seem happy (with the job). I'm wondering if this is more like he's not happy with me and using the job as an excuse. This also really burns me because I am trying. I have sent out tons of resume's. Jesus, I only started really searching since November and since then I have had 2 frigging interviews and now have a temp job. That doesn't seem to me the work of someone who's not trying. He then says I just seem to be going about the searching the wrong way. This really pisses me off. I don't know if he's really this upset about me and the job or this is something else coming out. I mean I just don't get where this is coming from. I tell him this and he seems to not have much to say. Then I start crying and ask if he's really thinking of not wanting to be with me because of the job. Well, he doesn't say he loves or even still wants to be with me. I tell him I love him and he says "I know". What bullshit. Now he doesn't even love me. What the hell has happened- he's been distant for the past week and a half and I don't know what the hell is going on. After this happened I just couldn't speak. My heart has sunk so low and I can't believe this is happening again. I thought he was crazy about me- I thought maybe he was the one. I couldn't even fucking go home after this. It was 10:30 at night and I took two pills to help me sleep so I couldn't even drive home- which is what I wanted to do. So I went out to smoke and have a beer. I couldn't even finish the beer. I went back up to his bedroom and he's sitting up like actually smiley. I lie down, he shuts off the light and I tell him goodnight. He says "So you don't want to talk about this anymore" I say "No, not tonight." He then seems to sigh and go to bed. Usually when we sleep he'll hug me or put his arm around me- nope, nothing. I couldn't sleep at all. I tried to tell myself "I don't care", but I do care- a lot. I thought I would be ok to work today, I was wrong about that too. I took a shower at his place and started bawling my eyes out. I got my stuff, got dressed and told him I was leaving. He didn't even ask me what was wrong or anything but he said he'd walk me out. What the fuck is that? Oh so now I'll think you're such a gentleman that you walked me out but you couldn't even tell me if your feelings have changed about me.
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