1:51 p.m. ||January 09, 2006
Anger vs Saddness
Is it better to feel angry or sad? My feelings seem to fluctuate depending on the time. However lately I've been extremely angry and bitter. I'm tired of being nice and doing the right thing- in the end what the hell does it get you? A seat at the right hand of God. Bullshit, because I don't even believe in God anymore so I could care less. I had a long talk with my father last night. He doesn't think I should be going off my medicine. Maybe I shouldn't but I can't afford it anyway. I have no insurance. Besides even if I try something else I don't want it to be effexor. My mother is now on paxil- maybe I could try that. But I'm sick of being medicated. It seems like this is the first time in years I am not bottling up my emotions. So isn't it good to let the feelings out? I am pissed at my best friend. I called her when the dog died. She sent me a couple emails but then didn't call me for a week. Then it's like she expected me to be back to normal. So she called me a couple other times but I was sick. Then I called her at 3pm on Saturday and asking her if she wanted to hang out. She said she only could until 5pm because then she had to go to her girlfriend's. So I said what's the point and she said very snippy that's all I can offer you. So I basically said I had to go and hung up. She spends every fucking weekend and almost every day with her girlfriend. She couldn't maybe meet up with her later to spend sometime with her supposed best friend. She fucking sucks. If I did this to her, believe me I would hear about it. I am so sick of her perfect relationship. That's all she cares about. Right now I don't even care if we're still friends- who needs her? I just don't know what to do. I feel so unhappy and helpless right now and I don't see any changes in my future. I barelly see a future. I mean I have like no friends, no job, nothing going for me. Well, I think I've depressed myself enough. I need to get out of the house now.
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